A Change in Perspective: Thy Will Not Mine

Sometimes our discomfort seems to last much longer than we expect. When I started my internship nearly 2 months ago, I was feeling particularly uncomfortable. Everything around me was changing, and I put the anxious feelings and concerns down to the countless unknowns I was facing. To a certain extent this was the case. After moving into my new house, getting to know my 10 new housemates and gradually adjusting my new timetable; I did loose a lot of my anxieties. However here I am, 8 weeks on, actually still feeling pretty uncomfortable. In the last 72 hours I have really seriously contemplated packing up my stuff and leaving the internship. Living in a house with 10 people is hard; working long and unpredictable hours is hard; only spending a day and a half a week in my department is hard; and not being able to see all my friends is hard. After working over 18 hours on thursday and not getting a wink of sleep overnight, on friday morning I found myself at the point of giving up. I was ready to run home, get a ‘simple’ job with regular hours and make an easier, more comfortable life for myself. 

Now before continuing any further I just want to say that I know my kind of uncomfortable is nothing compared to others (a point that may well title a future blog post!). I recognise that there are people, some quite literally living on my doorstep, whose discomfort and difficulty is so much greater than mine. In the grand scheme of things I really have nothing to complain about: I have more than enough food to eat, I live in a warm house and I am supported by great friends and family. The first factor alone puts me in a better position than 805 million people and I don’t want to sound ignorant when talking about my ‘uncomfortable’ middle class life. Whilst I recognise that my discomfort is far less than many others in the world, I cannot help finding my current situation somewhat hard and uncomfortable. 

I am beginning to wonder whether my discomfort in life is, at least in part, the result of minor amnesia to the sovereignty of God and elevated thoughts of myself. I believe in a God who created the world, in fact the entire universe, out of nothing. A universe with more than 350,000,000,000 galaxies, most of which up until recently, we didn’t even know existed. Within this vast expanse he placed millions of species of birds, animals, plants and trees each with ridiculous complexities. For example, a caterpillar has 228 separate and distinct muscles in its head. 228 muscles in a caterpillars head!? When I take a second to stop and consider creation, how vast and great it is and yet the depth of detail it also contains, I can’t help but find myself totally in awe of God’s power. In my book, this alone makes him worthy of my complete submission. When you add to this the fact that he sacrificed part of himself to show me his love and bring me back to him when I turn away, it seems to me completely ludicrous that anything or anyone else could be more important to me than pleasing him. Yet so often I forget this and my life becomes all about me. I become the star in my own movie, focusing entirely on myself, my happiness and my comfort. When I really stop and gaze on God’s character; his power, might, love and justice I find myself having a bit of a reality check - How can I be so foolish as to think it is all about me? Really it’s all about him, his love and grace, and the purpose of my life is to glorify him. This shift in perspective changes the way I view my life; my focus shouldn’t be on my own comfort, trying to live a life to glorify myself; instead my focus should be on God and trying to glorify him. 

God asks me to put him and his plans above my comfort, and I think this is the least he deserves for his power, might and sacrifice. But the really great thing is that God, in all his greatness and majesty, actually cares about my discomfort. Part of the beauty of his experience as a man on earth is that he can relate to us when we are suffering. Not only does he relate to us, but he also gives us the strength to endure all things (Philippians 4:13). When I was feeling really low on friday morning, my bible reading for the day took me to Hebrews 12. This passage reminds me that while running God’s race requires training - training that can be hard - keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus enables me to persevere. God, in his grace, so often leads me to specific bible passages just when I need them and as with the Hebrews passage I read on friday, my reading for yesterday also rang true to my current emotions. 

“Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them” Psalm 126:5-6

God promises that one day, in the new creation if not before, he will restore all our fortunes. There will come a time where there will be no more tears, suffering or pain and we will reap in joy. Today I am thankful for the provision of God’s word which is steadfast through my changing emotions. At this time I am choosing to persevere through hard situations and trust in God’s plan for me. If you’re struggling at the moment, or even if you’re not, I really recommend taking some time out to stop and gaze on the character of God. When I do, I find myself in complete awe of his greatness, and it prompts me to pray “thy will be done, not mine”. 

Finding Comfort in the Steadfast

I am writing this blog post during a week that holds a lot of change. Children across the country have returned to school; often to new classrooms, teachers and even friends. For me, this week marks the end of one chapter of life and the beginning of the next. Yesterday I attended my penultimate dance class at the dance school I have been attending for, ooh 7 or 8 years?! I left the studio with a heavy heart recognising that, at least for now, I have to say goodbye to a place and group of people who have filled a large part of my life. This coming weekend I will be moving house, back into central Oxford ready to begin a year-long internship with St Aldates Church. A week on Saturday I will bid farewell to my undergraduate years as I graduate from university and see my friends disperse all over the world.

All this change currently has me locked in a state of fear and sadness. I have never been very good at seeing things come to an end – my parents can attest to floods of tears every time we neared the end of a family holiday! I don’t know whether it’s saying goodbye to the old or the uncertainty of the new – probably a combination of them both – but change is something I find very uncomfortable. While some people I know live for change; for excitement and new adventures, I certainly do not. Some people would probably have spent this week uncontrollably excited, thrilled at the prospect of starting a year serving God in a ministry they absolutely love. But for me, despite a deep desire for a wonderful year working in the Children’s Team at St Aldates, I somehow can’t help but miserably dwell on the negatives of change. I feel truly sorry for my family who are having to put up with me this week and my emotionally fragile state – it seems that almost anything can make me cry!

Reflecting on this uneasy transition phase has taken me back to some of my initial thoughts when I began my one word journey back in January. At the time I felt that the verse Matthew 14:29 might be a good one to represent the year ahead. In it Jesus instructs Peter to take a risk and step out of the boat, and Peter does just that.

In this crazy time of preparations, goodbyes and new beginnings I am trying to find comfort in the Steadfast. I believe in an unchanging God, who is always there, and it is with my eyes fixed on him that I choose to step out of the boat and into the unknown waters of my next adventure.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.”

Lamentations 3:22-23

Are we too Comfortable?

When I was younger I, along with many close friends, would wait in eager anticipation and excitedly count down the days until our annual trip to Spring Harvest. Spring Harvest is a yearly christian conference that brings christians together for a week of worship, bible teachings and workshops about the relevance of the Christian faith to everyday life. Having been almost every year of my life, Spring Harvest holds a dear place in my heart and has been immensely important to me; nurturing and developing my faith over the years. Along with the great worship, fun-filled children’s sessions, swimming pool and funfair - each year I would look forward to purchasing a new T-shirt or hoodie from the In Yer Faith stand in the skyline! A favourite of mine sticks in my mind - a blue tank top on which it said, printed among some cartoon fish, Don’t go with the flow. 

I started writing a blog post way back at the start of May, when I realised that this “Don’t go with the flow” attitude had somewhat disappeared from my life and I began to wonder if I was too comfortable in the world. 

Then the madness of finals hit me. For those who don’t know, Oxford degrees are more often than not determined entirely by a single set of exams sat at the end of your third year. For me that meant seven, 3-hour exams, sat over 8 days at the end of May. This turned into end of year celebrations which then merged into a week volunteering as a TA on a school residential, into holiday bible club planning and then, well, here I am - over 2 months later, still writing the same blog post. I think this simply reiterates my point - it is so easy to get swept along by our culture and become so comfortable in the world that we loose our focus on God. 

Despite my best intentions, things kept popping up and “finish my bog post” slid further and further down my to-do list. But It’s funny how persistent God can be when he wants to tell us something.

A couple of weeks ago God spoke to me again on precisely this top through a fantastic sermon I heard at church. Having thought about similar things for a couple of months the sermon was, to me, confirmation that God was trying to tell me something: I need to stop being so comfortable adhering to culture and instead become brave enough to swim against the tide, standing up for Jesus and his plans for me. 

In the bible Peter specifically warns us against becoming too comfortable in the world:

“Friends, this world is not your home, so don’t make yourselves cozy in it. Don’t indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices. Then they’ll be won over to God’s side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives.” 1 Peter 2: 11-12

It is important to ask ourselves why we so easily fall into following the crowd even when that means going against our christian beliefs. I think there are many many reasons we find ourselves swept along by the world around us, but having reflected on this, I think there are two main reasons applicable to me. 

- “Everyone else is doing it, so it’s okay”
So often I find myself taking this attitude, justifying my actions because others around me are doing the same. During my time at university I saw this all around me, as well as in my own life.  There were christian students who spent their weekends getting drunk because “everyone else was”; Many of us got caught up in achieving academic success because “everyone around us was” and all too often I found myself skipping quiet time with God to get things done because “everyone else did”. Some behaviours have become so common that we no longer even recognise them -  I am sure I can regularly be found gossiping or exaggerating in a conversation and don’t even realise that I am doing it. Over the last few months God has been really challenging me to drop this attitude. Just because everyone else is doing it, does not mean it’s okay. 

- We forget who we are trying to impress. 
Sometimes I can get so caught up in impressing people around me, trying to please my family and friends, and wanting to feel settled and accepted; that I simply do what I think they want. Whether that means laughing at a joke I don’t really find funny, or keeping quiet on an issue that I know I should stand up for - I find myself adhering to the world’s values and trying to succeed according to it’s standards. The funny thing is that the worlds standards are, in one sense, so much higher than God’s. Yes God demands perfection in order for me to stand in his presence, but by his grace, he sent Jesus to make up for my imperfection. While worldly success such as fame, money and relationships will all one day pass away, living my life for the God of creation means that I am storing up treasures in heaven. I truly believe that this is a much greater reward and therefore am challenged to stop going with the flow simply to please other people and instead take a stand for God. 

From dating and drinking to dressing and thinking (excuse the rhyme!), there are so many signs that we are too comfortable in the world. I challenge you to take some time to reflect on the ways in which God might be calling you to take and stand, go against the flow, be uncomfortable and do things his way. It’s certainly not always easy, but it will be worth it in the end.  

If you fancy listening to the sermon (I certainly recommend it!), you can find it here http://www.staldates.org.uk/resources.asp it was called "Courage through the Fire" and was on Daniel 3.

Questions.

So this blog entry has been a VERY long time in the making. I have started it a number of times but until now have simply not found time to finish it - perhaps indicative of the term I had! Oxford terms are generally fairly chaotic, but last term seemed to fly by with very little time off, relaxation or sleep! I had hoped to finish writing this over my easter break but somehow that turned out to be as mad as term. Having said all that my penultimate term here in Oxford was been wonderful albeit a tad stressful and exhausting at times!

Towards the beginning of last term (when I initially started writing this!) I was struck by how uncomfortable I was encouraging people to ask questions about God. It didn’t take me long to identify why I find the concept difficult. Fear. Fear that I won’t be able to answer them, fear that they’ll never come back, and ultimately fear of rejection. I was reminded of this during our university main event week half way through the term. Main event weeks are put on by University Christian Unions all over the country and aim to give students the chance to hear and respond to the Gospel. In Oxford, the week generally consists of lunchtime apologetic-style talks and evening bible based talks and usually runs along a theme. This year our theme was “Love Like This” and we had a couple of great speakers come to give the talks. The events are usually well attended (possibly in part due to the large amounts of free food available!) and offer individuals a great space to ask questions about Christianity. Despite having been involved in three main event weeks over my time at university, I have never been persistent in inviting those around me. For some reason I end up telling myself it’s sufficient to just let them know that I am going and then expect them to ask to come. I finished the week feeling slightly defaulted and frustrated that I hadn’t been brave enough to really tell my friends how important my faith is to me and beg them to investigate it for themselves. Thankfully God’s grace is amazing and he is at work even when I don’t help!

As many people reading this will know I have a massive passion for Children’s Ministry and giving children the opportunity to meet with God. I was recently made aware of a really cool piece of research published by the Fuller Youth Institute (FYI) in 2011 which has since become known as “Sticky Faith”. They followed over 500 high school seniors through three years of college in an attempt to gain a deeper understanding of which childhood experiences, especially regarding church, are associated with children who stick with their faith into university. They summarise their results into four areas, one of which they deem “Sticky Questions”. They found that giving children time and space to ask questions about christianity when they’re young is essential to help children stick with their faith during the transition to college. Children need an opportunity to ask the big questions: Why should I follow God’s ways? Why is there suffering in the world? How does the cross take away my sins? Is the Bible true? 

If we don’t give them the chance to ask these questions as children, they are bound to seek the answers elsewhere later in life, and possibly even look back and see the church as glossing over the difficult questions or even as deceptive. Whether or not specifically involved with Children’s Ministry, as a member of the church family I believe we have a responsibility to help nurture the children around us as they navigate their faith. Over the past couple of months God has really opened my eyes to how easy it can be to focus on the ‘nice’ bits of the bible and passages which are easier to understand. I mean lets face it, very few sunday school leaders would choose to run a session on the genocide of the Old Testament would they!? But on reflection, I think my tendency to stick to the neat, easy parts of the Bible is actually a result of my unwillingness to ask these questions myself. If I am not willing to delve deep and find satisfactory answers to these questions, how can I expect the children I am working with to do so? 

Perhaps my biggest realisation recently has been that it’s TOTALLY okay to have questions, in fact it’s a good thing! After all, I wouldn’t buy a television from someone without checking it out first, so why would I want to base my entire life on something that wouldn’t stand up to scrutiny? God doesn’t call us to mindless believe in him, he says he’s there to be found and invites us to seek.  When it comes to inviting those around me to question, I find myself wanting to defend God’s actions - willing them to believe in him; but ultimately I should leave it to God. He will (and does!) do a much better job at answering these questions than I ever can! So if you’re reading this and haven’t seriously considered investigating Christianity, I challenge you to. Grab a Bible and start by reading one of the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke or John) - I would massively recommend getting hold of an Uncover Gospel because they have loads of questions, answers and video links throughout to help you work your way through it. If you have a Christian friend tell them you want to ask questions and they should (hopefully!) help you do it! If you really investigate Christianity with an open heart, I believe that you will not be disappointed. 

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” 

Matthew 7: 7-8

Some Links

http://stickyfaith.org/articles/what-makes-faith-stick-during-college

http://uncover.org.uk

Tears, Chocolate and Promises...

So it’s 25th January and this blog update is well overdue. 

When I gave God permission to lead me this year in a way which was somewhat uncomfortable, I never expected to see the consequences so early on in my journey. Almost immediately after committing to becoming comfortable being uncomfortable I was faced with the reality of my decision.

My plans for after I graduate this summer are suddenly very up in the air, with God having closed a number of doors I had hoped would remain open. As someone who likes to have detailed plans and be in complete control, not knowing what I am going to be doing in a matter of months is not something I find very easy. Over the last few weeks I have also re-started at University and with it comes the stress of a number of seemingly impossible deadlines and the doom of finishing my dissertation in time.

In truth, the last few weeks have been pretty tough and there have certainly been lots of tears shed and chocolate eaten! However I am still trying to approach my circumstances in light of my desire to become comfortable being uncomfortable.  

The first thing I have been reminded of is that when we are facing difficult circumstances we must emerse ourselves in scripture and focus on God’s promises to us.  

I am determined to hold on to the identity I have in Christ. 

“In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace” (Ephesians 1:5)

By his grace, I am a daughter of the king and with that comes both responsibility and inheritance. In times of discomfort I am called to cling to the security offered by a loving father who has my life safely in his hands. When I look at my life until now, God has never let me down. He has always been there for me when things have been tough and brought me out the other side closer to him. He continues to shower me with countless blessings and so I have confidence when I say that I know I will be alright, despite being uncomfortable, because his love for me will never fail. 

I am increasingly grateful for my friends and family, brothers and sisters in Christ, who are ‘doing life’ with me. They are there to celebrate with me and share in my joy but also continue to support and encourage me when I am struggling and finding things difficult. To those of you who have listened to me, prayed for me, cried with me, had tea with me and even looked up jobs with me, especially over the last few weeks - THANKYOU! You are all blessings from my heavenly father and I will be forever thankful for you! 

New Year, New Resolution, One Word

Loose weight, get fit, read my Bible more…these are typical examples of my new years resolutions. Like millions of people each year, every January I reflect on the past year and identify 2 or 3 (okay so maybe more like 10) habits that I want to kick out of or introduce to my life. Also like millions of people, by the end of January if not before, I realise that going to the gym 3 times a week is not happening; I am continuing to eat way too much chocolate; and I am still rubbish at reading my Bible regularly. This year I have decided to try a new approach to resolutions - focusing on only one word. 

The idea is simple. Instead of focusing on regrets and past mistakes, the ‘My One Word’ project suggests that you channel your plans for life change into one word which creates a vision for your future. Throughout the year the word acts as a lens through which you see the world, face daily challenges and attempt to understand scripture. So I thought I would give it a go, and since I am fairly useless at keeping my resolutions I decided to try my hand at blogging for some public accountability.

After writing a number of lists and prayerfully considering them, I have chosen my word for the year *Drum roll please* 

UNCOMFORTABLE. 

Not exactly the love, peace or happiness that I would have perhaps preferred. But while being uncomfortable is not often desired, over the last few days I have begun to see it as a call to step out of the boat and walk on water - out of my comfort zone with my eyes fixed on Jesus. It is also a reminder of the millions of people worldwide who are living much more uncomfortably than me. 

As I embark on this journey, I am taking some time to assess who I am now and where I want to be a year from now. 

Who am I now?

Not too bad. I tend to use the world as my benchmark for success, and on that account I am doing okay. I’m studying at a top university and not failing; I have friends and family who I enjoy spending time with; and God wise - I go to CU most weeks, church every week, and even serve on the Children’s Church team. It’s easy to feel like I am sorted, happy and doing my best to live for God through the trials and adventures of student life. However when I use Jesus as my standard, as I believe God instructs us to, I realise I am actually not that great. Many of my actions are fuelled by a desire to please others instead of God; I have countless habits that I would generally not own up to; and I am particularly great at trusting God’s plans for my life so long as they match up with mine!  

Where do I want to be?

Closer to God. Living the life HE planned for me. Trying to see the world through his eyes. 

So as we delve into 2014, a year which for me holds final exams, career decisions, goodbyes and new adventures; I am hoping for the first time to keep a new years resolution for the entire year and am excited to discover what lessons God has in store for me along the way. If you see me around, please do ask me how me how it’s going and keep me accountable as I strive to become

Comfortable being Uncomfortable.

http://myoneword.org